Relationships

Set aside time each week to do something enjoyable together. Schedule this in your calendar and make a commitment to not talk about life stressors or other issues during this time.

Make an effort to practice gratitude and show appreciation for your relationships. What’s one thing about your friend or loved one that you appreciate every day? Let them know.

This could be doing things as small as reading a book with your child; listening to your friend talk about their day; noticing a new haircut/outfit/shoes; spending time in the garden with a grandparent; watching a movie with your sibling; cooking with a parent. Letting your friend and/or loved one know that you value them puts 'currency' into the ‘relationship bank’, building a buffer for stressful or difficult times that may occur in the future.

Do the things that you enjoy doing - yoga; surfing; painting; museums; wellbeing retreats; football; swimming; hiking; knitting; live theatre - the list is endless. A little bit of distance in a relationship can help to build desire. When you spend time apart you have space to appreciate and value things about your loved one that might be lost in the mundane routines of everyday life.

No matter whether it seems like something small such as exercising weekly, or significant like quitting smoking, ask your friend or loved one, “What do you need from me?” to support success in achieving this goal. When your friend or loved one reaches their goal, celebrate together.

Healthy relationships happen when there is shared respect and equality. Talk through decisions together and be prepared to compromise.

Don’t wait for others to guess. You can skip a lot of pain and misunderstanding if you communicate within your relationships a bit about what you are going through.

No matter how much your partner, a child, your parents, siblings, friends or colleagues press your buttons, you are responsible for how you respond. You are in control of your own actions and behaviour. Any relationship is a series of seemingly small decisions about how to behave that will ultimately either strengthen or damage the health of the relationship and how you feel about one another.

Conflict is emotionally demanding. If you need to take a break, take one. Just let the other person know when you will come back so they don’t think you are avoiding the issue.

“I feel…”, rather than, “you make me feel …”. Taking ownership of your feelings helps lead towards more open and calm discussions.

‘Stockpiling’ issues to deal with all at the same time often results in the other person feeling overwhelmed and under attack. Try resolving things as they happen. Trying to resolve issues you’ve been hanging on to for a long time after the event or situation is not only difficult, but also unhealthy.

If you find yourselves calling one another derogatory names or using threatening or dismissive body language, you are no longer being respectful, calm and/or rational. Take a break.

When you start making statements such as, ‘you always’, or ‘you never’, there’s a good chance that the other person will become defensive. Give a specific example, i.e., state the facts and focus on the current situation.

Talk about real, observable behaviours, not what you suspect or imagine might be happening.

It’s alright to have a calm, rational discussion in front of your children. In fact, this can be a positive opportunity to model respectful relationships and conflict resolution (depending on the age of the child and the topic of the discussion). Family barbecues, social gatherings or times when either of you has been drinking alcohol are not appropriate or productive times to discuss private issues publicly.

• Accept that your usual sleep and eating routine might be disrupted for a while; try to keep things as close to your normal routine as possible during this period.
• If you’ve lost your appetite, try eating smaller meals or grazing on healthy snacks in place of large meals.
• Talk to the people close to you. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, contact a mental health professional so there is someone you can talk to.
• Express what you’re thinking and feeling in a healthy way. Sometimes you might need to cry, lift some weights, punch a punching bag, or write your thoughts down. Allow yourself to feel emotions in a way that doesn’t hurt yourself or others.
• Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope. These substances will suppress and ultimately prolong the painful feelings.
• Try not to follow an ex-partner on social media, as this may feed unhelpful emotions and thoughts about the relationship and prevent you from moving forward.
• Do the things that give you pleasure or make you feel strong. This might be walking the dog, playing golf, going to the movies, learning to play an instrument - whatever brightens your day and is not harmful to you or others. Try to do at least one of these activities daily.
• If you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of past relationships or ex-partners, redirect your attention and focus back to taking care of yourself.

When a relationship ends, it’s easy for emotions to take over. People can say and do things they might not usually do, especially if the breakup is unexpected or unwanted. Reflect on what your values are and what kind of person you want to be as you navigate your way through a breakup.

Some other tips for coping with relationship loss:

• give yourself some time to adjust to the change in your relationship and give your partner space to do the same. Don’t jump straight into problem solving if you’re both feeling highly reactive. Let things settle a little bit before you make any important decisions.
• listen to each other. There may be questions about the relationship that need to be answered before you can both move forward. Stay respectful and try not to blame or attack.
• relationship counselling can help people come to terms with why the breakup has happened. This can help with the healing and moving on process.

There may be a number of difficult conversations that have to take place, including:

• how you’ll coordinate care of children, including how to talk to children about the separation
• who will care for pets?
• how will the assets be divided?
• financial responsibilities
• is legal representation needed?
• setting up separate places to live
• how much contact will you have with each other? Will you aim to stay friends, work together for the care of the children, or is it better and healthier to have as little contact as possible only communicating with one another when necessary?

It's important that you both have a safe space and opportunity to talk about your needs during this period. No matter what type of relationship is affected (partner, parent, child, close friend), relationship counselling can help during this difficult time.