It’s a common experience: what do I say to someone who has experienced a loss? How do I support them without upsetting them further?
Knowing what to say to someone who is grieving isn’t going to take their pain away, but your words and actions may provide comfort, and help that person feel supported.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion... who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares ~ Henri Nouwen
How to help someone who is grieving
Sometimes offering companionship, just spending quiet time with the person who is grieving can be the best support you can offer. If you'd like to try more, there are other simple ways you can offer support to someone experiencing grief.
Try not to focus too much on getting the words exactly right or worry excessively about saying the “wrong” thing. Most people experiencing a loss understand how difficult it is to be supportive and will accept the positive intention behind the words.
I’m so sorry [Name] died. I will miss them. I’m very sad for your loss.
When speaking to a person grieving the loss of a loved one, try to use the deceased person’s name, unless you understand that this is not helpful for them. As time passes, most find this a comforting form of remembering the person who has died.
Share that you are ready and open to listening to the bereaved person’s experiences when they are. Reassure them that there is no rush.
If you have your own experience of loss, be mindful that supporting someone else who is grieving may bring up painful feelings and memories for you. Be honest with yourself regarding how much you can genuinely offer in terms of emotional or practical support.
Also, while your experience may guide you towards understanding and making genuine expressions of sympathy, take care not to assume that everyone’s experience and needs will be the same as yours.
Keep an open mind about the way that others express grief. This could be influenced by many factors such as culture, religious beliefs, and personal preferences. It may be quite different from the way you express and deal with grief, but there is no right or wrong way.
If you feel your attempts to offer sympathy or support are unwelcome, reflect and talk about what might be helpful and what you are able to offer. Remind yourself that their reaction is not personal.
For example, offering to mind/pick up children; prepare/cook meals; house cleaning; gardening; lawn mowing. If you are unsure how to help, ask or make suggestions. While experiencing grief they may not know what they need, but it shows that you want to understand how best to respond to the situation and support them.
The importance of language
There are some phrases that might fit the category of being well-intentioned but may not be helpful in expressing sympathy and/or support to those experiencing a loss or grief. Some of these include saying things like:
People grieving commonly say that they will never get over their loss; this statement implies that the person will ‘get over it’ eventually. This may lead to the bereaved person feeling judged – ‘I should be over it by now’, or that there’s a timeframe for how long they are ‘allowed’ to grieve.
You know what your experience of grief is and/or was like, not theirs. Each experience is unique and different. Stay focused on their loss.
Even though they may look like it on the outside, they may be hiding their distress from you and others. Again, this may shut down honest conversations about how things really are for them.
The positive intention behind this might not be helpful for the bereaved person. They may be scared and not at all feeling brave. Perhaps getting out of bed this morning was the bravest thing they felt they’ve done all week. Maybe they don’t want to feel brave or strong at the moment, because all they’ve been doing is being brave and strong for others since the death. This statement may cause them to feel judged or like a failure if they're feeling anything other than brave and strong.
If you are not familiar with their religious or spiritual beliefs and customs, this may not be helpful and may alienate the bereaved.
Describing what you think does or doesn't happen, will or won't occur doesn’t allow for the unique, individual, random unexpectedness of grief. While most likely intended as positive and supportive, it may not be received as being helpful.
Avoid talking about the stages of grieving
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross never intended for her ‘stages’ of grief to be interpreted to mean that they would all occur, or occur sequentially. She later wrote that grief happens in its own time and fashion and cannot always be neatly resolved. Don’t burden the bereaved by attempting to define their grief as a ‘stage’.
What to do if you think someone needs additional support
Everyone grieves differently, and it is important not to judge the way that someone responds to loss, or how long they mourn that loss. However, if the person that you’re supporting is very distressed, or you’re concerned about their behaviour and ability to function, or perhaps you feel that you’re unable to give them the help that they need, it’s possible that they would benefit from the help of a counsellor.
If that’s the case, share your concerns with them. Ask them if they would like you to find out what the options are, or if there’s anything they would like you to do to help. If they decline, it is important to respect their wishes.
If they express that they are considering suicide or self-harm, they need help immediately even if they decline help or intervention.
Where to get additional support
There are different support options available that you can access for yourself or a loved one who is experiencing difficulties coping with grief and loss.
